Fat Under Fire – a Satire

Good evening. Welcome to the news

Our top story tonight:

The government has passed a law

To ease this country’s plight.

In future, it will be a crime

If you become too heavy.

Your punishment: hard labour

And this will be the levy-

For too long now, the government

Has sought a new solution

To generating power

While cutting down pollution.

The answer is quite simple:

Construct new power stations

Where fatties will rotate wheels

To electrify the nation.

No payment will be given

So running costs are slight

And cells will not be needed

For they go home at night.

This will allow the overweight

To keep up their employment

And use the free time they have left

For pleasure and enjoyment.

The NHS will benefit

From fewer new admissions

Obesity related ills

And other such conditions.

Obesity will be consigned

To history, and then

Some other undesirables

Can fuel the land again.

Three times as many prisoners

Can share a prison cell;

They’ll work shifts in rotation

By day and night as well.


And when we have exhausted

The stock of crooks, we’ll empty

The land’s detention centres

Of immigrants. We’ve plenty!

Discouraged, foreigners will not

Decide to come to Britain

To steal the jobs of British folk

And strain our benefits system.

Furthermore, the unemployed

Will have to choose to work

In all the places immigrants did

While natives chose to shirk.

No crime, no unemployment,

No heart disease, no strokes,

No overcrowded prisons,

No workshy youth to coax.

No power cuts, no pollution,

No buying gas abroad,

No oil wars. Pull together!

Your government applaud!

In 1997 I sat the Mensa entrance exam. I had always wondered what the point of Mensa was and I discovered it was mainly a social organisation where people could meet up with and/or take part in groups which didn’t meet but published quarterly newsletters on an interest shared by a group of members. I belonged to the Poetry Workshop for many years and enjoyed it very much. I stopped subscribing to Mensa when the workshop was infiltrated by a lot of people who were neither intelligent nor willing to accept that, in a workshop, everything submitted is published whether it is good, bad or indifferent and other members can praise the work and offer constructive criticism. After I had spent a great deal of time offering advice to some who had no idea how bad their poems were and responded with comments of the variety ‘Who do you think you are, criticising my poetry when I’ve been published (here)?’ and after a number of these geniuses had failed to grasp concepts like satire, despite the example above and several explanations by other members, I gave up. People, it’s making a serious point by stating something in a manner which isn’t meant to be taken seriously!











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